True Confession: I'm Afraid to Dream

Reclaiming the Joyful Creator Inside as your Superpower

This is for the ones on a mission. The ones with a vision burning deep in their bellies… a call to create something the world has never seen… something even you haven't fully seen.

For the innovators, the dreamers, the seers who feel the magnet of their Soul pulling them to be a part of building the future landscape of our world from a place of wholeness and truth.

This is for those who live with a fearless creator inside… One that's been silenced with time… You know, the one who built castles in the sand and dreamt up epic adventures where she saved the world. (Or was that just me as a child? 😏)

It's time to let them come back to life and lead again.

Photo by Elizabeth Vasquez on Unsplash

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True Confessions… I'm Afraid to Dream

Every coach has a coach (or should) and I have mine. Recently, she gave me an assignment to craft three different dreamscapes for my life in the next five years. Didn't have to be super specific or dramatic. Just allow myself to imagine three different lives for myself – with at least one of them being what I would do if money wasn't an issue and I wasn't worried about people laughing at me.

Sounds easy enough, right?

Nope.

I've been sitting on this assignment for a month.

Finally, I asked myself why this past weekend and what I heard from my Soul surprised me… but then it didn't.

"You're afraid to dream."

The irony wasn't lost on me.

My dream is to help other people live their dreams… but can I really do that if I'm not living mine? If I'm not even sure what my dream is unless I'm helping other people… and what is it about dreaming that feels so dangerous?

As I explored this mystery within myself, I was taken back to a memory when I was around two or three years old. I was waiting downstairs for my mom to come give me breakfast, and for some reason I distinctly remember being very hungry. But I didn't feel safe enough to just go upstairs and ask her to feed me.

So I waited.

When she did come down, she went into the kitchen and started making coffee on a service tray for a guest she had upstairs. I thought there might be food on that tray and I decided to pull it down off the counter to see what I could find. You can imagine what happened next. Hot coffee. All over my small body.

I blacked out and was rushed to the emergency room. I still sport that scar on my chest…

But what was highlighted to me this week wasn't the trauma of the coffee… it was the little girl who at the age of three was already too afraid of the world to ask for what she desired.

I honestly can't tell you exactly what caused my fear, but I do know that for as long as I can remember I've been more aware of others' needs than my own. My mother's anger and unpredictable behavior conditioned me early to have my spidey-sense out for what was acceptable and safe… not for what brought me pleasure or fulfilled a desire.

No wonder there's a piece of me afraid to dream.

I used to think my creative blocks were about not knowing what to make—until I realized I was terrified to make anything just because it simply brought me joy.

I've often wondered when hearing the Ursula K. Le Guin quote…

"The creative adult is the child who survived"

Ursula K. Le Guin

But what if you were never allowed to be a child?

What if play was never truly free of at least a hint of fear?

What if you never knew the ease of exploration and curiosity because there were hidden mine fields in your childhood home?

Are you doomed to live a life without the joy of creation when you know in your deepest gut it's your purpose in life? Your birthright? Your "dan" as the Irish call it (destiny or fate)?

I say no.

I refuse to go down like that.

Yep - that’s little Me

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The Wounded Healer Dilemma

Once I saw this memory, I realized my Soul is calling me to reparent that little three-year-old. To give her time and space to discover what she desires. What would she have asked for that morning? (Cheerios was the answer, btw.) How would she play if life felt safe? What would she create today?

In the reflection of these questions, I've come to see how I complicate my creativity by feeling like it needs to be for someone else. It's deeply woven into the way I'm wired… because that's how I survived childhood. I made it all about my mother.

What I'm beginning to see is that if I create something from a place of trying to meet the needs of others rather than curiosity and play, it's felt by those receiving what I write or speak. It's the sneakiest kind of compromise because it seems altruistic… Like it's serving the whole, but I can feel it's coming from survival.

When I create to please others, it falls flat. It's missing the creative DNA that is ME.

Now, here's where it gets tricky…

The truth of my experience does involve trauma and from that place of deeply feeling the challenges of growing up the way I did, a strong desire has grown in me to create a safe, healthy online community for artists and visionaries – the ones whose dreams have never been validated. The ones who didn't experience safety in their home. To be the support for them I never received…

This can so easily get mixed up with obligation and a feeling of needing to "help" or "fix" others… To show up for them the way I was never shown up for.

But when I tap into my Inner Child, she doesn't feel the need to mother everyone or rescue them from their past because she's really still trying to rescue herself.

She doesn't ask, "What does everyone need me to create so they can be okay?"

She just wants to create a magical world where everyone knows how freaking powerful they are and they live in that power. She's focused on the infinite possibilities of Life. Not fixing a broken world.

Does that mean my dream of creating a thriving, joyful online community is tainted with trauma and should be thrown out the window?

No. Absolutely not.

Because it's deeply rooted in how I'm wired – not just because of my experiences. Being devoted to a cause bigger than myself is essential to what keeps me feeling healthy as a human. And that has nothing to do with trauma.

Maybe you can relate…

Maybe you're a Wounded Healer, too.

Maybe you have seen the dark side of existence and it's given birth to a dream that would serve the world in a beautiful way, but you can feel it… you're trying to "fix" something and it just isn't fun. There's no play. No daring risk taking… too much caution because it has to be "right."

So what do we do with this little Wounded Healer pattern?

Maybe the answer lies in beginning to ask ourselves a few questions…

"What if I trusted that my Joy and my Service could be the same thing?"

"What if I allowed myself to be the recipient of the dream I'm building rather than building it for everyone but me?"

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Reconnecting with the Fearless AND Joyful Creator

Here's my hypothesis…

Those of us who have been wounded (haven't we all in some way) have been given a gift.

We've been allowed to deeply experience and feel the challenges of being human. To swim in the waters of suffering that drown so many… but they didn't drown us.

They inspired us.

To innovate.

To create solutions.

To give birth to a Divine seed of a dream…

Something straight from the Womb of Creation.

This is the fearless stance of a visionary or creative.

They stand as the Bridge between realms and bring the unknown into the known.

They stare into the fathomless Void of all that is and pull something from the mystery for the benefit of all.

It requires incredible trust in yourself and Life to create something you can't prove or justify.

You just know its essence in your bones.

This is where old survival patterns can get most triggered. In that place of what feels "unsafe" simply because it's unknown, the voice that's just trying to keep you safe starts to whisper.

"Maybe I'm crazy.”

"What if no one wants what I offer?"

"You don't know what you're doing."

The thing is… we don't. Innovators and visionaries create things that didn't exist before, which demands that we have radical faith in what wants to be born through us. We're problem solvers. We see the parts of culture and society that could use a makeover, and we get to work imagining a different reality. And that's just it. It's coming from our imagination. From the piece of us that still inherently knows how the world was meant to feel.

This takes me back to the Fearless Creator in me who knows our world is still the magical garden of so many myths and legends even though it looks like chaos and destruction are everywhere we turn.

She's the one who dares to dream that we can create a future where every human knows their inherent worth and power!

This isn't the Wounded Child part of me. This is the part of me that carries radical amounts of joy in her DNA and doesn't identify with trauma. This is the part of me that plays just to play. Who belly laughs and gets dirty and knows that falling down just means you tried.

Sure, I didn't experience her much as a child, but I get to experience her now. I get to nurture her to life and let her be the one who captains my ship.

This is how we address the Wounded Healer dilemma.

We let our Fearless and Joyful Creator lead.

The part of us that never experienced trauma. The part of us that knows we are whole.

This is the real definition of the True Self. The fractal of God inside you that has nothing to do with your life circumstances. This piece of you is still intact and can absolutely change your life.

Now, what are some practical ways to reconnect with this piece of you… or connect for the first time?

For me, it's looking like this…

• Slowing down and letting her speak. Like the other day, I ordered a different drink at the coffee shop because I could feel a nudge… and I listened. Small example, but when you've lived a life of not choosing yourself, every choice adds up.

• Building in moments of childlike joy without shame. I dance around the kitchen when I cook. Sometimes I sing… even better if it's a song I remember from childhood. Any way you can connect with the energy of joy… once it starts, it's a fountain and changes your vibration.

• Try a little adventure. The other night I just went to another spot for my nightly walk… again, not a huge deal, but it breathed fresh energy into my creativity to see new places and experience something a little different. This weekend I’m going on a hiking jaunt… The frightened child wants the safety of the known, but the Fearless Creative craves the new. Give it to them in a way that feels safe.

• When you sit down to create (whether that's write, sketch, or dream up new empires) take a few minutes and literally ask your Inner Artist what they want to do today. And then listen – even if it doesn't make sense. Honestly, this post is the result of me asking myself that question.

As we reconnect and reinvent, we'll begin to see that our Joy and our Service can indeed be the same thing. New horizons open up and options we've never even thought of will present themselves. This isn't about getting it "right" or being the best version of ourselves. It's about living a big, bold, beautiful life that feels deeply fulfilling. And I don't know about you, but my worst nightmare would be finding myself on my deathbed wishing I'd taken more risks and trusted more.

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The Fear of Being Selfish

The last piece I want to address is the second question we asked up there…

"What if I allowed myself to be the recipient of the dream too?"

In exploring all of this, I discovered something interesting.

It feels terrifying to make anything "about me."

Somewhere in my exploration this week, I realized I won't let myself be the "star" of my own life because it feels safer to be the rescuer.

This is the part of me that wants to hide behind being of service and a "helper" rather than letting myself simply be known for my creativity and innovation. A subtle distinction maybe, but it feels like an important one. Trauma implants shame and shame makes you want to hide. Even with all my Leo energy (IYKYK) I still find myself wanting to hide behind a multitude of other identities rather than just being "Kyra the Creator."

Using my dream of creating a thriving online community for artists as an example…

The helper version of that dream comes from a low vibration that wants to meet people in their pain and speak to their problems. Energetically it feels like getting down in the hole and letting other people climb out on my shoulders. I'll hazard a guess that if I followed that path, it would also involve a lot of self-sacrifice and wouldn't be too fun.

The Innovator version of that dream feels a lot higher vibe and centers more on creating spaces of play and joy that spark creativity, new ideas and yes, a feeling of safety for all involved – including me. It looks like solving "problems" for creators and visionaries but from a place of possibility rather than pain. Anyone up for a wild online dance party paired with a co-writing session? (That idea literally just popped in my head.)

In this second option, I feel like not only am I providing incredible value for people, but I'm also getting to have fun along the way and attend my own parties.

To me, that feels like the dream beginning to nourish me and those I serve (not help or fix.)

If you've been struggling with getting stuck because that Wounded Healer part of you wants to drive the car and keeps heading into the ditch, what would happen if you let your Fearless and Joyful Creator take the wheel?

I'm going to be sitting with this for a while, and I invite you to join me.

I know one way I'm being invited to listen to Her…

Refocusing on my fiction writing. I put it down about five months ago when I started building the community intentionally… and recently I realized it's food for my Soul. For my Fearless Creator. So next week, I'm joining 1,000 Words of Summer with Jami Attenberg to give myself a kickstart. I honestly believe allowing myself to dive into my imagination and the fantasy world I'm building will fuel a wealth of ideas for our space here too! Because my Joy and my Service can be the same thing… I'm willing to explore what that looks like.

So, my question for you today is…

What does your Fearless and Joyful Creator want to bring into the world?

Don't overthink it… first thing that pops in your head!

If that feels inaccessible tell us how you’re going to begin reconnecting with that part of you so you do know! Put it in the comments below and then find someone else's comment that resonates and encourage them. Let's throw a love-fest party for each other!

Until next time… from my heart to yours…

Aloha Mā,

Kyra 🌺

P.S. If this piece sparked something in you and you'd like to support more writing like this, you can show some love to OMA (my creative community for visionaries) here.

(Gulp. Even after writing this whole piece that still felt weird. We got this, guys. Love you!)